White men I’ve considered being but decided against

  1. Hamlet

I know this seems like an odd choice right off the bat, but think about it: he was handsome, rich, intelligent, totally ineffectual, really miserable – a regular West LA hipster, but sub beach for snow and sun for Danish bros rolling on ennui.

Ham and I have always had a ton in common – I too think Ophelia is clingy. I too am into skulls, especially for decorating. But I don’t know how to duel and I’m not that interested in learning, to be h with you.

2. Jack Kerouac.

Oh Jack. I tried so hard.

In the attempts to impress both you and a guy I liked in college, I rode trains all over the West Coast, scribbling notes in my journal and eating cheap food from jars. I stayed up night after night in the Observation Car reading On the Road for the whatevereenth time, taking notes in the margins, trying convince myself that I actually liked your work. I wore just a few pairs of clothes because caring about fashion was normcore, and I, like you, was made of stardust.

I planned to get one of your Belief & Technique for Modern Prose tips tattooed on my arm, but I hadn’t decided which  – maybe “You’re a Genius all the time” or “Blow as deep as you want to Blow.” In typewriter-style letters.

I eventually wanderlusted all the way to the Middle East, where I scribbled in more notebooks, tried to stay hydrated, and got terribly homesick.

But Jack, it wasn’t for me. The clothes were ugly, the food was bland, and it just got boring, in the end, all that shifting around trying to be impressed by things that just really weren’t that cool.

3. DH Lawrence

I was looking to have sex in the woods with a silent stranger in an attempt to free myself from the shackles of industrialism, until I remembered that it’s way too late to escape consumer capital and clickbait is my master and also David Henry you seem to talk pretty big about what a woman’s orgasm feels like for someone who doesn’t have a clitoris.

4. Matt from Bio 101

Matt from Bio 101 is not an actual person, but rather a generic conglomerate of the Obscure Object of Desires we’ve all had in our lives. Matt from Bio 101 went out every night while I stayed in the library researching Beowulf. Matt from Bio 101 was at underground shows, warehouse raves, and depraved, hallucinogen-fueled house parties. He looked effortlessly cool. He lived in a dope house off campus with genderqueer shamans, and they made conceptual art and mixed ambient electronic hip-hop and rode fixed-gear bikes and had a house drawer stocked with prescription-grade opiates.

I knew that if Matt from Bio 101 thought I was cool I would be able to finally start living. Other people would look at my hair and want to be me.

Matt, however, really appreciated that I let him copy my lab results and distinctly did not find me, in my old navy capris, “suitable to party.”

5. My ex-boyfriend, lets call him Paul

Because he was an artist which sounded so rad and cool, because he would “lose himself in the ecstasy” of painting or drawing or making giant cigarettes out of plywood or whatever.

6. Don Draper

Only for a minute during Season 1.

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